As a responsible citizen and caring individual, I agree to the following roommate rules:

I shall pay my rent on time. Each and every month. If I cannot pay my rent on time, I will inform my roommate(s) within an appropriate time frame (five days) and the correct ratio of apologies to excuses (at least three apologies for every excuse).

If I cannot pay my rent on time, I will not come home with new shoes, expensive cases of craft beer or leave for elaborate bachelor/bachelorette weekends in Cabo. I understand that if I do not pay my rent on time, any extravagant purchases made during my period of delinquency will be used against me in all future arguments.

I shall pay my share of all utility bills associated with the apartment. Utility bills will be divided evenly amongst all parties inhabiting said apartment, whether or not Kevin remembers to turn off the kitchen light when he leaves the premises.

When it comes to “visitors,” I shall remember that my walls are not soundproof and behave accordingly.

I shall not leave dirty dishes in the sink because it is gross and attracts bugs. I will also remember that Tina is my roommate, not my maid.

I shall not eat food that I did not purchase unless granted permission by the purchasing party. In cases of extreme hunger and/or a hangover, I may eat food that I did not purchase. However, I shall never eat the last of any foodstuffs without plans for near-immediate replacement. It is only acceptable to eat someone else’s leftovers from a fancy restaurant (where entrees cost $15+) in instances of imminent death from starvation.

Being of sound mind and body, I accept this roommate agreement for the duration of my lease or natural life, whichever ends first.

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