Roommates — can’t live with them, can’t live without them. (Until you make bank, at least.) If you’ve had a roommate, our guess is you’ve met a few of the characters described below.
The Food Hoarder
Food is good. Food hoarding is not good. With the food hoarder, walking into your roommate’s space is like walking onto the Island of Misfit Toys. Except, in this case, the misfits are food, and the food is half-eaten. This roommate doesn’t know that your refrigerator exists and actually thinks it’s OK to keep flat bottles of Coke on the floor. Pizza rat wants to live here. You do not.
The leech is busy, busy, busy — so busy they often forget their wallet. It seems like these roommates never have the money to pay for food or rent. They cling to you like lint clings to black pants, but only until you run out of cash. Never fear, if your parents come to town and offer to treat, you can be sure the leech will circle back around.
The Naked Guy
Everyone should love their body. But when you live with others, sometimes you have to love that body with clothes on — particularly in common spaces. With this roommate, it’s always a guessing game whether or not you’ll catch them walking around the apartment in the buff on a Tuesday afternoon or simply trotting out of the shower sans clothes. Needless to say, inviting friends over involves warning them about the possibility of nude sightings.
If there was an ultimate party pooper category for roommates, this would be it. The Sloth does not enjoy going out, or doing anything at all, really — especially if it involves leaving the apartment. The Sloth does love Netflix. Unfortunately, they are always bingeing something you’ve missed the beginning of, and be prepared to have most of your choices for television viewing vetoed. The Sloth has also seen it all — and wants to watch something else.
The Neat Freak
The neat freak can be pleasant. Clean is good. But living with this roommate can also make you feel like you live under a microscope. It is as if they can sense a speck of dust hit a table, and then they’re on it like a hawk with whatever dust mitt or rag is closest at hand. Sure, you can invite people over to your apartment whenever you want, because it’s always clean, but you pay a price. And that price is that you will pay with your first-born should you ever drop so much as a crumb on the freshly-mopped floors.
The DIY-er has everything figured out. Is the dishwasher leaking? They can fix it. Need to oil the squeak in the cabinet door? Taken care of. Want to turn those wine corks into a trivet? They have a Pin for that. The DIY-er can be such an asset to those of us with fewer home improvement inclinations — until your apartment turns into a massive construction site or, worse yet, the place where projects go to die half-finished. (Anyone living in a room with only three newly-painted walls out there?) Also, be sure not to confuse the DIY-er with the Duct Tape Addict. The Duct Tape Addict cannot be saved.
If you live with the Partier, you are all-too-familiar with the sight of a trashed living room and a kitchen overflowing with used, red solo cups. Much like a Gremlin, the Partier can be SO MUCH FUN to hang around with — until midnight or so. In addition to dealing with the inevitable after-party mess, you’re likely to find a few stragglers from your roomie’s nights on the town. If you’re lucky, you might know some of the Partier’s buds. Others? Not so much. And you’ll all be under one roof until the hangovers clear.
The Night Owl
Some people have trouble keeping normal hours. They sleep all day and stay up all night. And this would be fine except for those times that you went to bed at a decent hour and are then having the most pleasant dreams of you and Henry Cavill walking on a beach (no, just me?) only to be taken from those lovely fantasies by the Nocturnal One’s 2 a.m. workout session or late night movie binge (at full volume). You are honestly scared of how they even find the energy to go to work in the morning. (And you pray the secret to their success is not methamphetamine.)
Who did we leave out? Tell us in the comments.