You thought Mom was bad? Watch out — because here comes Dad.

“I thought I told you to get two dead bolts?”

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Even though your apartment community is one of the safest in the city, good old Dad can’t help but prepare for the worst. You get weekly updates on all local crime activity, and whenever Dad comes to visit, he installs the newest in personal security. Weird magnet alarm things on the window? Check. Triple dead bolt? Check. Recording of world’s loudest dog to scare intruders? Oh, yeah.

“Did a tornado rip through your apartment?”

While your apartment is messy, a tornado is a bit of a dramatization. (It’s more like a small, non-destructive wind storm.) His facial expression is a mixture of disappointment and concentration. And he’s concentrating because he knows he really shouldn’t scold you anymore. It’s your life after all. But he definitely has opinions.

“You know it’s not healthy to skip meals …”

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“… and you get pretty cranky when you’re hungry” [slips 20 dollars into your purse]. You try to reassure Dad that you do, in fact, eat on a regular basis. You honestly have that much cereal because you really enjoy eating cereal — not because you can’t afford other food. But he just doesn’t seem to think that could be true, because why would you willingly eat mystery-fruit-flavored cereal when you could eat a well-balanced meal?

“Any second thoughts?”

You moved out of your parents’ home two years ago but every time Dad visits he asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to come home?” It makes your heart melt, but then you have to crush his dreams with the simple, but effective, “No, Dad.”

“So, are you and Shelly working out?”

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Dads always want the best for their children and that carries over even when they move out. That also means they want you to have the best roommate possible (preferably a Harvard graduate), but if those are in high demand, he will settle for someone with a reliable job. Your roommate is a little weird — even you admit that — but Dad always assumes the worst. He doesn’t understand the reason your roommate burns five different kinds of incense (although he has his suspicions …). Every time your roomie and Dad cross paths, you’ve got some explaining to do.

Topics: apartments, family